Some things should never come back. Ever. Like Zubaz. This fantastic example of redneck apparel first appeared in the gym, then Arena Football (where yours truly would witness the Tampa Bay Storm at the old Thunderdome), and then, somehow, they managed to migrate into the actual world. Like one of those spooky viruses in a sci-fi movie that was never intended to leave the lab. Well, it left the lab alright, and certainly infected the population. Take our model to the right. To this man’s credit, he probably was the pimp of the trailer park, with the midriff mesh shirt showing the ladies his manly chest hair patch, and the slight beer gut. The ladies know what happens underneath that man-stack! And the mullet? Quite majestic.
But back to the point. According to the website, these pants are making a “triumphant return, featuring classic patterns and bold colors, just like you always remembered”, and are “ready shock and awe the next generation of fashion adventurers and fantasy sports aficionados.” Amen to that. Because when I think fashion adventure, I think horribly designed pants. And while I admit that I play fantasy football (math geek + former jock = fantasy football. It makes sense.), I have yet to see any clothing marketed towards my ‘demographic’. So, for the makers of Zubaz to say these are for people who play fantasy sports is coming right out and admitting that you should never wear these in public. Ever. According to Wikipedia, these became so popular that they made diapers out of them. Seriously, if I ever saw an infant in a Zubaz diaper, I would (a) be calling child services, and (b) hitting the parents with a stick. Talk about doing long term damage to a child.
So, after all that, I think I might just go get a pair. Early planning for Halloween, maybe? Casual dress Friday at work? Random trips to the grocery store. The possibilities are endless. Maybe I’m a fashion adventurer after all.
Dude… MC Hammer doesn’t even wear anything tapered this drastically anymore.
If you buy a pair, I will personally call child services.
“Why” you ask?
Because they also come with an inherent love for getting way too drunk and beating your children. Spend the $30 on diapers.